I have always felt like I was different. My mother has always shown me things early in my life to make me self sufficient and she made sure that I was always able to do with myself. At some point in my life I got sidetracked by my love for women. My love for women has caused me some time and some lessons that at in my 20s I couldn't appreciate it and it lead me to a careless and promiscuous lifestyle. I am so grateful to God for protecting me enough for me to love myself again.
Because I did take a crack at love at an early age it left me open to become hurt and when I got hurt I became angry. I was angry because I didn't understand how something that felt so good, so strong, so real could be tainted by one persons actions. I felt deceived and as a result I didn't care anymore and along the way some very good women got hurt because of my actions.
It kept taking a trip downhill I had a child with someone that I don't believe wanted to have a child with me in the first place. I had another child with someone that I basically had a 2 night stand with and never had a relationship with and then had a 3rd child with someone that I met on a journey of trying to get over a failed marriage. I wish my instances where storybook fairytale stories of love and hope and white picket fences, but because of decisions that I have made that was not my life and I accepted that a long time ago.
When I turned 30 I had to make some decisions as to where the rest of my life would go. I had just separated from my wife. I had to drive all the way from California back to New York in shame because I felt like I had failed God by failing my marriage. I had to make the most difficult choice in my life because you never want to abandon your spouse, but what do you do when you for see the future? The truth of the matter is that you can not see the future so you have to make a choice for you that was the first difficult choice I had to make.
When I came home to New York I was basically homeless and thanks to my brother Deyvon and his mother they took me in and gave me food and shelter and I had nothing but my car and clothes. I had to rely on faith to get me through that and it was very tough as a man who once had everything that had to come back and start from nothing all over again. I never thought that it would be me, but it was and I was so ashamed of myself.
Throughout these instances though I made some great decisions and I am proud as to where my life has taken me and so grateful that I made the choices to lead me to success. It's not easy looking at your ugliness and pointing at yourself and saying hey no matter what these people did to me? I have to change my ways and see how I could be a better person. I have been on a journey of personal development and really getting to know myself and understanding myself. I understand the things that I want in life, what I don't want in life and what I will not settle for. I had to love myself to be able to do that. I had to separate from all my temptations and things that I would have normally done to try to keep company to make a firm decision to not get into another relationship. I had to sometimes pull my impulses back to save friendships with people that mattered to me. I had to restructure my life.
I am now coming into my own. I own my life. I own my decisions. I own my rights. I own my wrongs. I own who I am and what I put into the world. I own my soul. I own my pride. I own my dignity. I own my individuality. I own my time. I own my way of life. I own my interactions. I own my choices. I own everything that is me and I own up to being the best that I can be for me and my energy will continue to seep into others because I own the right to live a life of complete positivity beyond measure. I appreciate life these days much more and I am addicted to making myself better for the world. It's a beautiful thing. I am coming into my own.
